When a mutt has a bum knee, it goes to a mutt orthopedist. Such was the case with my dog Jenny, who after undergoing knee surgery – yes, dogs have knees – is now in doggy rehab, which entails brisk walks on a lead while I snow plane behind.

During rehab, Jenny wears a surgical collar to, in theory, prevent her from picking at her scab, a theory reality has disproved.

Jenny hides from reality.

So far, Jenny has been able to …

• Remove the collar three times.

• Use the collar as a plow to bulldoze her way past human objects and …

• Punish said human objects for making her wear said collar by following humans around and plowing into the back of their legs, which as you can imagine, hurts!

• Outside, Jenny scrapes the collar against the hard cold crust that covers the snow, thus ripping the cheap plastic collar and creating a portal to the other side which …

• Allows Jenny to pick at the scab and inflict further pain upon the backs of indigenous humans legs by wielding the jagged plastic edge like a weapon.

To date …

• I continue to repair the rips in the collar with clear tape that loses its adhesive abilities after each subsequent exposure to the outside elements.

• The last time Jenny removed the string from the collar that wraps around her neck, we could not locate the string and suspect that …

• Jenny ate the string or hid it in a really good place, possibly the same place she hid two missing snowshoes from different wedded pairs.

• Please note earlier reference to widowed shoes in the post My dog ate my snowshoe and other digestible facts.

• Since the string is still MIA, we now use Jenny’s leather collar to keep the surgical collar in place. 

• She still hasn’t broken the leather collar code, but I’m running out of tape to repair the rips in the plastic shell, which is the shell of what it once was.

• After numerous attempts to remove the collar with a tubular pick, Jenny still hasn’t been able to break free.    

• She displays her frustration by engaging in her favorite activities: trash can diving and tissue pillaging. 

• Today she removed a box of Kleenex from the end table in the family room and placed it on the floor next to a pile of gutted tissues.

• Some tissue parts are MIA like the string.

I fear that one day soon, while taking Jenny for a walk, I will find the missing string, which will then be dead to me. But, at least I’ll be able to remove this poster I nailed to my neighbor’s trees.

Have you seen this string?

Jenny

Jake

Jake is from West Virginia and enjoys hunting and air sex.

Jenny is from Puerto Rico and enjoys opening latches on fences and is also an illegal immigrant. I wonder if there is a connection.

Jake is not a rocket scientist. Please refer to the above photo and the exceptionally wide grin on his face, as well as the George W. Bush look in his eyes.  If Jake could speak anything other than “woof,” this is what he would say:

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee West Virginia — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee West Virginia — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” – George W. Bush.

Jake enjoys chewing on small rocks and dining on dirt, as does Jenny, who is a dirt connoissewer. I just learned this fact yesterday when I was walking Jenny in the yard. Jenny also has bad knees and sees an orthopedist. She just had knee surgery and wears this hat sometimes, which reminds me of a vacuum cleaner.

Jenny Eating Lunch

Why do dogs eat dirt? Is it the texture, the aroma, or the nutritional value? It’s got lots of minerals. Maybe it tastes like chicken. I have no idea. It remains a mystery to me, as does a dog‘s preference in hors devours, when sampling crepe, uh, er, crap from the cat tray.

Dogs love to eat cat poop, a delicacy, as well as anything they find on the floor, which brings me to the next point.

A dog is as intelligent as a two year old – Probably not Jake. That’s what I read in an article, aptly entitled, Dogs’ Intelligence On Par With Two-Year-Old Human, Canine Researcher Says.

“Although you wouldn’t want one to balance your checkbook, dogs can count.”

I can’t balance a checkbook or count.

If you’re a parent of a two-year old or a twenty-one year old, who once was two, then you know that a two-year old will put anything in his/her mouth. They also crawl on all fours, like a dog, and poop in the house, unlike a dog. Most dogs poop outside unless you forget to take him/her for a walk after a second cup of coffee. Then the dog will poop in the house in a highly-trafficked area.

Dogs don’t really drink coffee. But they like to emulate humans, as indicated below.

Another interesting fact about dogs. They have elbows and knees. I discovered this the first time Jake sat on my lap and stuck his pointy elbow into my ribs. He also weighs 45 pounds – could lose a pound or two – and is clearly not a lap dog. But he doesn’t understand the concept of weight and its relationship to pain. Remember the smile.

I didn’t know that dogs even had knees until Jenny busted hers. Jenny is also ADD and very active. I think she might have busted her knee while body slamming Jake against a wall. Maybe that’s why Jake isn’t intelligent. Too many head slams against the wall.

Do you know any interesting facts about dogs? Do you even like dogs?