Considered a non-essential item in the White House budget, the Meals on Wheels program will likely be terminated along with grandma — “Whose life expectancy exceeds her value to society,” according to the budget overview. “Non-essential spending on people who’ve outlasted their expiration date will be shifted to essential budgets like the military, to help pay for wars caused by Trump’s… Continue reading
Higher education depends on a higher tolerance to alcohol. ~Betsy DeVos In Betsy DeVos’s first action as Secretary of Education, she called for an expansion of Michelle Obama’s healthy school lunch program, introducing her plan to replace sodas with vodka in school cafeteria vending machines. A spokesperson for Stolichnaya confirmed reports of airplane-sized bottles being flow into… Continue reading
During the President’s first address to Congress, television viewers watched the relaunch of President Trump. A New Trump, who looked like the Old Trump but didn’t insult anybody. Before stepping behind the podium, Old Trump pressed an imaginary reset button he thought would erase all the bad things he said over the years. It was obvious… Continue reading
The sneeze heard around the world. The cause of the Sweden Incident became clearer late Sunday night in newly leaked information from the Trump White House. A kitchen in Stockholm is the focus of the investigation that involves a plate of spaghetti and one migrant meatball that went missing during an early bird special. Reports from… Continue reading
Interacting on Facebook and Twitter takes less time than writing a 400-word blog post. 400 words are too many for someone like me, someone who is easily distracted, who stops writing in the middle of a sentence to run outside and take a picture of a tree.
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SAY GOUDA! The story of Gouda Jones, a former cheesemonger and Wisconsin resident, is a source of pride and embarrassment for Gouda’s loyal fanbase of Cheeseheaads and Happy Hour enthusiasts. There was never any doubt Gouda Jones had a nose for cheese. She could detect the finest cheese aromas from miles away with her extraordinary… Continue reading
Earlier today anchor Blitz Wolfer of the Crap News Network sat down with Mayor Ragu Macaroni to talk about the Mayor’s plan to build a Cell Tower Museum in Ridgeburyville’s scenic tourist district. This is a transcript of the interview. BLITZ WOLFER Mayor Macaroni, thank you for taking time to speak with me. I… Continue reading
Scientists using the focally challenged as lab rats. The Internet is more addictive than crack because it’s as pervasive as air. Earlier today, the Fantasy News Network (FNN) uncovered a massive secret program in which ADHD individuals are unwittingly being used as test subjects in one of the most ambitious experiments in human history, in… Continue reading
CNN, the Crap News Network Hi, this is Blitz Geezer in Boston along with John Bland, Lance Fancy Pants and Tapioca Pudding. ALL THE NEWS BOBBLEHEADS NOD INDEFINITELY. BLITZ GEEZER Since we don’t have anything new to report, we’ll talk incessantly about nothing, Tapioca. LANCE FANCY PANTS No thank you. I… Continue reading
Helping Widowed Socks Get Back On Their Feet Again! Every ten seconds, a sock spouse experiences a devastating loss, a pair torn apart by a loved one missing or maimed, worn-out from too many hikes in the woods or spins in the dryer. Their remains tossed in the linen closet to be used as rags,… Continue reading