Port of Call – Maternity Ward

GREETER
Hello. I’d like to welcome you here after your long journey.

BABY
Thanks, but I have to tell you that I’m miffed. After nine months on the high seas and that schlep through the terminal, I expected better service after disembarking. Instead, some scary-looking guy, with no nose or mouth, beats the living daylights out of me . . . Where’s my luggage? Did they lose my luggage?

GREETER
The scary-looking guy is the Chief Doctor. He’s wearing a surgical mask that covers most of his face.

BABY
It’s a disguise so I can’t ID him after I press charges.

GREETER
He didn’t do anything illegal. He had to smack you on the behind to get you to start breathing.

BABY
By knocking the wind out of me? When I get older, I’m going to sue the son-of-a-bitch

GREETER
Let’s talk about your mother’s womb. How were the accommodations?

BABY
Terrible. There were no lights, no windows, and no way out until I was whisked through the terminal.

GREETER
What was your most memorable experience?

BABY
Being stuck in the dark without cable, and the food, which sucked, literally.

GREETER
How would you rate your Birthline Cruise experience, based on a scale from one to five, five being the worst?

BABY
Definitely a five. I was stranded in a crummy womb for nine months, on the lower deck near the engine room. Then, Suddenly, it’s show time — bright lights, loud noise, and then in case I wasn’t already paying attention — Bam! I get whacked in the butt.

GREETER
The whack was part of the Birthline Cruise package.

BABY
It wasn’t in the paperwork they had me sign before I left the terminal.

GREETER
It was in the fine print.

BABY
I can barely see your face, and they put something like that in 6-point font.

GREETER
The whack on the butt is left to the doctor’s discretion if you’re not breathing.

BABY
Discretion . . . is that the medical term for assault?

GREETER
He’s a doctor. He knows what he’s doing. He went to school for many years to become a doctor.

BABY
After all that time, someone should have realized he wasn’t qualified.

GREETER
No, no. It takes years to become a doctor.

BABY
There’s something wrong with that . . . and the service in this place. What does someone have to do to get some food around here? I’m starving.

GREETER
Your mother will feed you.

BABY
What’s she serving?

GREETER
Milk

BABY
Milk? Is that it? I could really go for a burger.

GREETER
You don’t have any teeth.

BABY
Oh, God. I’m a freak.

GREETER
No. It’s not like that. Babies don’t have teeth. Teeth aren’t included in the package.

BABY
What kind of place is this?

GREETER
It was listed in the brochure.

BABY
I’m seriously considering getting back on that ship despite the accommodations.

GREETER
Things will get better here.

BABY
I bet you weren’t treated this poorly after your disembarkation. What was your arrival like?

GREETER
I have no idea.

BABY
How could you forget?

GREETER
I can’t remember anything that happened before the age of five. That is true for most people.

BABY
You mean the next five years will not mean a thing to me when I’m old enough to appreciate them.

GREETER
Unfortunately, that is the case.

BABY
So, I’ll have no recollection of my arrival.

GREETER
That is correct.

BABY
So, I‘ll forget how pissed I was at the doctor . . . when he beat the living daylights out of me?

GREETER
Yes, you’ll forget about the whack on the behind.

BABY
Then do me a favor. Get me a good lawyer now while I can still remember that I want to sue the son-of-a-bitch.