10 Rules for Avoiding Arrest or Injury on the Road

1.   After cutting off a driver, always check your rearview mirror to ensure you haven’t left the car in a burning heap by the side of the road. If you should see flames shooting into the sky along with thick black smoke, call 911, hit the gas, and keep driving until you have crossed the nearest state line.

2.    Never scream abusive language at a leather-clad biker with a chainsaw strapped to his back.

3.    When following a slow-moving vehicle on the highway, flash your lights at the car at three-second intervals, allowing the driver at least a minute in which to change lanes. If he/she does not move within the designated time, jot down the license plate number and call it in to America’s Most Wanted. Slip into the middle lane and wait for red swirling lights to appear in your side view mirror and force the slow-moving car onto the shoulder.

4.    If you can only see the top of the driver’s head in front of you, assume that an elderly person is at the wheel driving as if they are looking for a parking space. In these circumstances, it is useless to lean on the horn since they will probably not hear it. Flashing your lights will only confuse them, as they will likely think they are having a vision problem or an out of body experience. Never egg their rear windshield. It will only slow them down to a stall instead of an idle. In case of potential geriatric slow downs, it is advisable to keep a video game console in your glove compartment. Remember, old people are your friend.

5.    If someone cuts you off, do not follow then home and cut them off in their driveway.

6.    If you see someone stranded on the shoulder carrying a gas can, do not toss them a match.

7.    If you must order a pizza while on the highway, do not give out your GPS location and attempt a high-speed delivery, instead have the pie delivered to the nearest exit or weigh station.

Caution: Do not attempt delivery if a hungry trucker is within ten feet of your vehicle. 

A trucker is hungry if . . .

• He salivates like a rabid dog

• His eyes bulge like headlight lamps, or

• He chews on his keys then swallows them

8.   When driving behind an eighteen-wheeler, never call the number displayed on the back of the truck, hold your nose to achieve a good nasal tone, and pretend that you are calling from inside the cargo.

9.    Do not acquire a Bulgarian map; park on the shoulder of a highway, and flag down drivers asking them for directions in broken English.

10.  Never try to outrace a state trooper while in high-speed pursuit of a car thief or bank robber.