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Want to Exercise? Pick Your Poison.
Sweat by Jog, Gym, or Treadmill?
(previously posted in 2007; revised and repackaged)
JOGGING THE WALLET
There is something glamorous about jogging in a Moxie Skirt and Fizz Tank Top until you run for sixty-seconds, then stumble into your neighbor’s yard gasping for breath, falling onto their newly-paved driveway, leaving a CSI body outline there after EMS certified masons extract you from the tar. An unsightly stain of sweat and tar now indelibly marks your tank top and pride with a Rorschach like blotch that signifies “failure.”
For me, jogging is too damn hard and undependable, as it is intrinsically affected by whether the weather is perfect or not. I’m a perfectionist. Perfection is a myth. Jogging is a mythstake.
EAU DE GYM
Gyms are self-contained rubber rooms impervious to outside weather conditions and stimulating conversation. I love human contact as much as the next person but would rather not pay for the sadistic spewing of empty words, while under the influence of endorphins, when my heart is about to explode.
In addition to the expense of joining a gym (or la de dah health club), I refuse to get in shape next to people with toned hard bodies, who, I’m convinced, work out in a secret gym in a bunker somewhere in Wyoming, to get in shape before joining a gym . . . to get in shape.
While those hard-bodied people can wear stylish form-fitting workout clothes, I have to wear flabby gal clothes with fancy flap traps to hide a sagging stomach and drooping butt. I worry every time I lift my arms that the fat folds hidden inside the trap will unravel and deck the gal next to me doing 195 mph on her stationary bike.
And why, may I ask, isn’t there a gym cop handing out speeding tickets to overachievers?
No. Gyms are too stressful. Besides, I’d rather not have to smell other people’s sweat.
TREADING THE TREADMILL LIGHTLY
I already have enough stress from the treadmill that glares at me from the family room, a technological marvel that is accessible, as well as evil, since it eliminates the need for any human contact at all. It glares at me because lately I’ve been avoiding it. After only exercising for a month or two, I started skipping days, then weeks, and finally skipping past the treadmill completely and heading straight for the couch where I routinely exercise my thumb on the remote.
I’m officially on an exercise hiatus while I reevaluate my pudgy doctor’s advice to “shape up or die! ”
Frankly, both my doctor and working out scares me. Stretching and straining muscles is masochistic. In fact, I believe that exercising is more like exorcising and that its only purpose is to keep the mind in shape by working out limitless creative ways in order to avoid the harmful effects of exercising.
How do you tread on the mill – on foot or on wheel?
Yeah, we all die whether we exercise or not!
I'm too much of an endorphin junkie to give it up, though!
I hate treadmills.
Lol…mythstake…sorry, I'm easy, I know but somehow I love you just the tiniest bit more-if that is even possible- because of it (-:
Now please send someone over here to chase me with a lit torch because that is the only way I'm moving off this couch to jog.
I was born with a chip in my brain that actually forces me to LIKE exercising. I don't jog and I don't like smelling other people (whether they're sweating or not), but I love the elliptical and Zumba classes.
Now where do I find these special workout clothes with fat traps?
Okay, here's the way I see it – your heart is only good for so many ticks. I'll be damned if I going to waste them exercising when I know of other ways to get my heart racing which are a lot more fun!
Exercise? The thing where you get sweaty that's not sex? I think I remember being forced to do it in a class once…seriously, looking for a treadmill so I can watch Olbermann/Maddow and exercise at the same time. Will let you know how that works out! Great post, Girlfriend.
Hey, just wanted to thank you and let you now that I linked you to my latest post. You got me looking again for an answer to the "what does the health care reform act do," and so I credit you and K. with getting me rolling. Thanks for the inspiration!
As I get older, my loving wife has been hinting that I should be paying a little more attention to my diet and exercise. Well, I generally watch what I eat – but now have the perfect excuse for not returning to the gym – "exercise hiatus"
I hate exercising too. It all started from Physical training in school. Twenty rounds around the tennis court was too much. I couldn't even do 2… LOL
Hilarious post. Have a great day!:)
I hate exercising almost as much as I love chocolate. Which means that sometimes I actually have to exercise or I'll start looking like that bar of chocolate I just ate. I do not, however, nor will I ever, jog. I swim and that's it. Sometimes I pretend to do situps, but only if I'm alone.
RG: Right on! Endorphin junkies rock. They'll never send the SWAT team to raid an endorphin junkie's safe house. Treadmills are so stationery. I never seem to get anywhere using one. : )
Mrs B: Aw. Gee. Thanks. Blush. Nope. No torches. Just pizza delivery.
JD: Ha! I wish I had a chip in my brain that forced me to like exercising. Instead I exercise when lifting chips.
Me-Me: I agree. I'm choosy about why I sweat.
Perry: I know. Self-inflicted torture to induce sweating just doesn't make sense. I don't subscribe to the "no pain. no gain" mentality. I like to feel good when I sweat. Thanks about the post. I'm glad I could help. : )
J: I watch what I eat, too, . . . as I'm putting it in my mouth. Exercise hiatus. Priceless!!!!
Mr S: I'm with you, and thanks!!!!
Ziva: I enjoy swimming, too, when it's simple, like during the summer or on vacation. There's something unsettling about swimming while there's still snow on the ground.