Image by lucaohman via Flickr

“If every instinct you have is wrong, the opposite would have to be right.’’ ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

After a year and a half of “almost hires,” or “jobs-be-close” and “jobs-be-gone,” I’ve decided to change tactics. Following the correct protocol doesn’t seem to work anymore. Sending out thank you notes via snail mail (yes, it still exists) and kissing various strangers asses by sending said notes has only made my nose brown from metaphorical excrement and my wrist sore from postal box yankage.

Not to mention all the bloodletting from tongue paper cuts and hospitalizations from low-grade envelop glue. It all got me thinking. What would opposite George do?

Raising voice while flushing cheeks.

I’ll tell you what opposite George would do. He’d challenge the very laws of physics as a mirror image of himself. Although, still lacking depth and perspective, at least he’d be thin and reflective.

Then, in a contrary sort of way, George would remove the toupee that he uses as a head warmer, open the window, and throw it into an oncoming wind. Miraculously, the toupee floats away.

Okay. I know. Kramer is the toupee tosser, but still it’s a great example of a metaphor before it enters the earth’s atmosphere and burns up over Miami Beach.

Despite the factual inconsistency, you are still my hero, George. Because of your courage to do the opposite of what instinct dictates, I have made an executive decision. From now on, I will conduct my job search as you would.

Instead of sending out “thank you” notes, I will send out “you’re welcome” letters. You’re welcome to hire me if you agree to the following terms. Sign and return by fax ASAP in order to be considered as a possible employer.

JOB REQUIREMENTS FOR PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYERS:

It is agreed that Lauren will be entitled to . . .

• Work from home or any comparable setting, i.e., beach, park, or saloon.
• Sleep until 9 a.m. even if prospective employer’s business hours start at 9 a.m. or earlier.
• Work two weeks out of the year, spending the other 300 plus days on vacation. 
• Work in pajamas, warm ups, or birthday suit, all are considered acceptable business attire.
• Have breakfast in bed for duration of morning.
• Leave for brunch at 2 p.m.
• Take an afternoon nap.
• Watch Oprah at 4 p.m. upon conclusion of afternoon nap.
• Take lunch at 5 p.m.
• Procure a blender for margaritas.
• Hire a bartender to manage blender operations and margarita processing.

REFERENCES:

• Art Vandelay
• Arthur Pensky
• J. Peterman

SKILLS:

Practical:

• Knows the best places to eat in cell phone dead zones. 
• Knows where to find handicap parking spaces for Menu “B” persons designated handicap due to a hang nail or hang over disability.
• Removes golf balls from the blow holes of whales and the mouths of blow-hards.
• Master of work avoidance strategies and of own domain.

Tactical:

• Leaves meetings on a high note by exclaiming, “I’m out of here.”
• Gives the appearance of working when she is actually sleeping or studying the insides of her eyelids.
• Shreds important paperwork before it becomes too time intensive.
• Categorizes interoffice emails as junk mail.

Hobbies:

• Keeps coffee cake crumbs in top desk drawer for science experiments. 
• Watches clock to make sure that time is working even if she is not.
• Waters plastic plants because the real ones drown.

What’s your work related or job hunting strategy?