Image by Getty Images via @daylife-A long distance phone call off a short Nigerian pier-
VIVIAN
Hello Friend. Please excuse my English. I learned it from watching reality TV. How are you doing today including your work, I hope all is well with you.
FRIEND
I’m fine. but my work is not. Maybe you haven’t heard. The U.S. economy sucks, but I’m being rude. What did you say your name was?
VIVIAN
Before I proceed I will like to introduce my self very well to you. My name is Mrs. Vivian Salife; I was born in South Africa but I work and live in West Africa, I am 32 years old. I worked with the Union Bank of Nigeria Plc as the Senior Accountant In my branch.
FRIEND
Ah. Yes. Vivian. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you or Samuel. How is he?
VIVIAN
I am a widow to late Samuel Salife, my husband died as a result of political gang up in the nation and after the death of my husband things became very much difficult for me and my only son Ali who is critical sick in the hospital right now Suffering from heart problem that needed to go through surgery operations as the doctor confirms.
FRIEND
Oh God! What a horrible run on sentence and terrible news about Sammy’s demise. My heart goes out to you about Ali’s health problems. Also, what exactly is a political gang up? Does it have anything to do with hookers? It must have been devastating.
VIVIAN
This made me to run into a serious dept with my bank and many other people helped me to make sure that I saved his life.
FRIEND
Do you mean dept (short for department) or debt (short for insufficient funds)? How many people are helping you save Ali’s life – half of North America – and what is the money being used for?
VIVIAN
All this money was been paid as part of deposit to the hospital where my son Ali is taking an emergency treatment.
FRIEND
Can you be more specific? —
VIVIAN
Please dear I really needed your assistance in this business which I will introduce you into now so I can save the life of my only son through this business.
FRIEND/DEAR
Ah. So, he’s the only son of Sam. What can I do to help? I bet it has something to do with oil and a Nigerian bank.
VIVIAN
There is a man his name is Mr. Ziya Bazhayev, he is doing a contract with Chevron and Shell Oil Company in South East zoon in Nigeria as an Oil Barron.
FRIEND/DEAR
Where exactly is South East Zoon? And how can I get a job as an Oil Barron? Haven’t seen that job posted yet on Craigslist. But please tell me more about this man.
VIVIAN
This man made a deposit of 6.2 million dollars in our bank branch before he died, beside am his personal accountant when he was making this deposit in our bank branch through my desk.
FRIEND/DEAR
That is such sad news about this man, which I assume is a nickname for Ziya. I’m so sorry that everybody you know is either dead or dying. Poor this man.
VIVIAN
(Crying and blowing nose in my ear)
this man have been so good to me when he do visit our bank and he is the President of the Oil Alliance Company, he died on Yak-40 aircraft, on a charter flight from Moscow to Kiev on March 9,2000.
FRIEND/DEAR
Why did you let him into the vault so soon after Sammy’s death? That can’t be good for Ali’s heart. And, why was the Yak-40 aircraft named after a wild ox? No wonder the plane went down. Unless, it was because of an active fund. They emit ash clouds that can clog airplane engines.
VIVIAN
Moreover this fund has been dormant in his account with our Bank without any claim of the funds in our custody and the banking law here stipulates that if such money remains unclaimed for nine years, it will be forfeited to the Bank treasury as an unclaimed bill it is only a foreigner that can stand as a next Of kin.
FRIEND/DEAR
Only a foreigner or next of kin can claim the money? Which one am I? Are we related? If so, when is your birthday? I’d like to send a card.
VIVIAN
My dear I want to seek your permission to have you stand in as next of kin to our late customer so that this fund will be released and paid into your account as the rightful beneficiary’s Next Of kin now that the bank is still expecting a Next Of Kin to come claim the fund. I have all the information about this man which will help us in this business.
FRIEND/DEAR
Do you need my bank info? I’d be happy to give it to you since I am a foreigner, as well as a long lost relative. Just tell me how I can help. Btw, do you ever use punctuation?
VIVIAN
What I want you to do is to stand as the next of kin, you don’t need to come down here my dear, all you need is to follow my instructions so that we can work as one.
FRIEND/DEAR
Thank goodness because I’m broke. Oops! I blew my cover. I was trying to get your bank account info, too. After all, we share the same DNA. Is that the same as DNR but with a different letter? Speaking of which, how can I find out more about the plane crash?
VIVIAN
You can equally read more news about the plane crash on these Websites, http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/672849.stm
FRIEND/DEAR
Thanks for the link. What will my cut be on this?
VIVIAN
You will get 40% of this money as soon as it gets into your account and I will come over with my only son Ali so you can help me fine a very nice hospital where I can treat him.
FRIEND/DEAR
I’ll make up the guest room for you. Can’t wait to meet you and Ali.
VIVIAN
I wish to hear from you the moment you might have finish reading this massage.
FRIEND/DEAR
I could really use a massage. Email scams make me tense.
What I wouldn't give to hear you take on this convo over the phone! Classic, my Dear, classic! One of your funniest yet!
Hilarious, Girl, as usual.
Only son of Sam?
Hee Hee.
I'm so glad you made a new friend today!!
**Snickering**
Hi Perry. Glad you liked it! I never know how people will react to my writing.
RG: Thanks so much!!! It's always great to connect with distant cousins, even if they want to rip you off.
This is crazy! I had the exact same conversation on telephone just the other day! What are the odds?
Ziva,
Life is weird that way. It has something to do with the theory of the expanding road. I think either you or Einstein published something about it. Maybe both.
How does your mind do this? Seriously? Your quick wit reminds me of a jazz musician riffing. (I have no idea if I used that word correctly.)
(In case you don't like jazz, this is a compliment!)
Thanks Tracie. I don't know. One idea sparks the next. Actually, I was just going to post the email, and my son threw out the idea of making it into something more. I credit this idea to him.
I do like the jazz musician comparison. Thank you. I love jazz! Went to several jazz festivals when I was single, one in Manhattan, the other in Saratoga Springs, NY. I saw Oscar Peterson play in NYC. He was amazing.