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Earlier today, a Washington think tank known as The Smart Ass Association, issued a statement that it would be voluntarily recalling 170 million eggheads due to laboratory confirmed cases of the Ignaramous Stupidous virus associated with some of the eggheads.
The Smart Ass Association said that the eggheads included in the recall had been working as interns for Rick Santorum, Dick Armey, and Harry Reid, as well as BP and several undisclosed Wall Street firms currently under investigation.
When questioned by reporters about the slow response in contacting the infected eggheads, a spokesperson for The Smart Ass Association said, “Okay. So, it was my fault. I admit it. I deleted the email. I thought it was infected with a virus. What’s another day or two in the scheme of things? At least we didn’t have to locate 170 million eggs.”
At this time, scientists are not certain how many people have been infected by the Ignaramous Stupidous virus. Fred Syphilis, of the CFND (Center for Funny Named Diseases) speculated that “The virus could affect as many as 1.5 billion people.”
Dr. Syphilis continued, “So far we know that 3,000 people have been infected by the virus,” he said and then added this startling revelation. “In the final stages of the disease, a victim will sit for days on a couch while staring blankly at a TV screen watching reruns of America’s Got Talent and the Glenn Beck Show.”
Dr. Syphilis warned, “It’s best to catch this disease early on. If you or a loved one begins exhibiting any of the following symptoms, immediately go to the nearest emergency room. Early symptoms include making up words like “refudiate”and comparing yourself to William Shakespeare, making plans to build a mosque near ground zero, or making comments, like
“I hear there’s rumors on the Internets that we’re going to have a draft.”
– George W. Bush – presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004.
Health officials said that the Ignaramous Stupidous outbreak started in May after about 2,000 cases of stupidity were reported and could continue for months even years.
The CFND recommends that eggheads stay away from television sets, as well as the Internets and read classic novels like Moby Dick, Crime and Punishment, or A Tale of Two Cities to avoid contracting the Ignaramous Stupidous virus.
In closing Dr. Syphilis said, “If we aren’t successful in recalling all the infected eggheads, we may see millions of cases of stupidity for generations to come.”
Oh my lord, I laughed so hard at this I almost fell off my chair. You. Are. Hilarious. This post should be featured in "The Onion".
I knew the epidemic was rampant, but had no idea how many millions had been affected! Thanks for this important health alert – let us pray that there will soon be a vaccination for this horrible scourge, and eventually a cure!
Great read, Lauren. You really ought to find out how to writ4e for The Onion – Leeuna;s right!
Thanks for the amazing comment, Leeuna.
Heidi: Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it. I am clueless about how to get a writing gig with The Onion. I'll have to use the Google and search the Internets.
Dear Lord, I think I might be infected. Yesterday I found myself using the non-word refudiate, and then I made up a new word – that I can't even remember now because I've watched too much TV!
Sounds bad, Ziva. Are you watching America's Got Talent or Glenn Beck? If not, there's still time. I'd recommend a shot of William Shakespeare, not a Bill Shakespeare 100 proof shot.
So funny! This is one of your best posts. I'd never thought of it before but you would be a good match for The Onion.
Hey thanks, Tracie. I really appreciate that. I've been practicing at writing satire and think I'm going to stick to this format. Writing for The Onion would be awesome.
LOL!!! This post was unbelievable!
You are awesome Lauren!
Mrs. B: Wow! Thanks!!! : )
Fantestical!
No, that's not it.
Fantastical!
Yes, much better.
I must have contracted the Stupidious virus. I can't find the right wierds for my sentences.
RF: Sorry to hear that. Wierds elude me, too. I'm going to a specialist.
Boy that Dr Fred is certainly a smart one, ain't he/she? I believe I was born infected, so being stupid is just normal to me, woah did you just see that????
Anyway toothpaste should be used sparingly until we know the mint supply is safe. Oh wait that isn't what we are talking about is it?
Ahh just scrolled up to see what the subject of the post was about, so I can give a decent comment.
Damn just forgot again, hold on, oh yes Dr Syphilis that was terrible how he used the N word so much, no wonder he is out of a job……
Oh and speaking of work. CONRATS Lauren, so happy to see you back to the daily grind, you deserve it. My fingers are crossed that your hubby is not far behind, unless of course he catches the Stupidious virus, he will have to change career paths and go into politics.
Have a GREAT day off 🙂
Thanks Glen. I hope you're next in getting a job. The stupid virus is a bitch. I watched an episode of America's Got Talent last week and couldn't complete one sentence the following day.
Hi Lauren,
I seriously feel jealous that I didn't think of this brilliant idea! Perhaps I have too many eggspectations that clouded my mind…in fact now that I think of it, I'm not even sure eggzactly what to say. Do you think that I have the infection too? Fantastically fun and extremely clever post that 'cracked' me up! Really! Can't wait to see what else 'hatches' out of you!
Thanks so much, Snee. I think the infection may have fried your brain or, worse, poached it. The egghead idea started sautéing during breakfast then splat! I got egged. Having an eggstensive knowledge of nothing left empty patches of fertile brain matter, perfect growing conditions for germinating ideas.
This is one of your best posts! I think the virus may have started before May though. 🙂 I think it's lied dormant for a few years. 🙂
Thanks, Ivy: You're right. The virus probably started years ago. I've been a babbling idiot since the Bush years. I wonder if there's a correlation.
Wow! LMAO! That was great ! Send it to the onion, yes!
Wow back at you. I'm blown away by the response. I only wish that my brain cells had a spark or two left in them. I just started a new job and am brain dead at night. I've got to figure out the best time to write and also how to get through to the Onion. There are many layers to it.
I think Glenn Beck infected Sarah Palin. I am sure that Dr. Syphilis is looking into it. In fact, I think that McCain showed symptoms since the campaign, as he now wants the damn fence built. As a New World Order guy I know that kills him. But that is what happens when you hump-a-Palin. He has Glenn Beck to thank.
Can you imagine if they had offspring? I don't think that the Tea Party blood type can mingle with traditional Republican types. I see an RH doube negative shot in Sarah's future if this pregnancy is allowed to continue.
Hi Gary, I'm a little slow on the uptake. Just started a job Monday. I think you're right about how Sarah Palin became infected. Maybe she infected John McCain. I think I'm due for a Glenn Beck booster shot.
This has the be the best post I've read in ages. Awesome. Thanks for keeping me entertained.
Oh, you should get that booster shot. I featured you here along with the certainty that Shalampax now has been infected with the stupid virus. I hope you stop by this archive and give me wisdom. 🙂 http://bgamall.bravejournal.com/entry/65193 Thanks for your humor.
Hi Nikki, Thanks so much for your comment and for stopping by. I really appreciate your kind words.
Gary: Appreciate the mention at your blog. I've already provided an update on the spread of the stupid virus.
Good job thanks anyway