When a mutt has a bum knee, it goes to a mutt orthopedist. Such was the case with my dog Jenny, who after undergoing knee surgery – yes, dogs have knees – is now in doggy rehab, which entails brisk walks on a lead while I snow plane behind.

During rehab, Jenny wears a surgical collar to, in theory, prevent her from picking at her scab, a theory reality has disproved.

So far, Jenny has been able to …

• Remove the collar three times.

• Use the collar as a plow to bulldoze her way past human objects and …

• Punish said human objects for making her wear said collar by following humans around and plowing into the back of their legs, which as you can imagine, hurts!

• Outside, Jenny scrapes the collar against the hard cold crust that covers the snow, thus ripping the cheap plastic collar and creating a portal to the other side which …

• Allows Jenny to pick at the scab and inflict further pain upon the backs of indigenous humans legs by wielding the jagged plastic edge like a weapon.

To date …

• I continue to repair the rips in the collar with clear tape that loses its adhesive abilities after each subsequent exposure to the outside elements.

• The last time Jenny removed the string from the collar that wraps around her neck, we could not locate the string and suspect that …

• Jenny ate the string or hid it in a really good place, possibly the same place she hid two missing snowshoes from different wedded pairs.

• Please note earlier reference to widowed shoes in the post My dog ate my snowshoe and other digestible facts.

• Since the string is still MIA, we now use Jenny’s leather collar to keep the surgical collar in place.

• She still hasn’t broken the leather collar code, but I’m running out of tape to repair the rips in the plastic shell, which is the shell of what it once was.

• After numerous attempts to remove the collar with a tubular pick, Jenny still hasn’t been able to break free.

• She displays her frustration by engaging in her favorite activities: trash can diving and tissue pillaging.

• Today she removed a box of Kleenex from the end table in the family room and placed it on the floor next to a pile of gutted tissues.

• Some tissue parts are MIA like the string.

I fear that one day soon, while taking Jenny for a walk, I will find the missing string, which will then be dead to me. But, at least I’ll be able to remove this poster I nailed to my neighbor’s trees.