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Dear Satan,

Is Satan correct or do you prefer Lucifer (very dashing), or The Antichrist (kind of formal) or Jezebel (a bit feminine but not as bad as Leslie)?

If I pissed you off, feel free to shower my lawn with  fire and brimstone. A brief explanation follows.

Since the beginning of January, my grass, once a lovely flexible green, is now a hard shell of its former self and resembles a just waxed kitchen floor.  

At night when the light hits a mound of snow in a certain way, it looks like a glazed donut.

Walking is no longer an option. Sliding is the preferred mode of transport to get from one side of the lawn to the other only to be suddenly surprised to find the road.
The torturous slip-slide to the other side must sound like business as usual to you, but I fear there’s an evil underfoot … before it falls on its ass.

In my thinking, all this ice and snow is really phase one of a hostile takeover attempt by God to own more than half the shares of Satan Enterprises. He must be stopped!

To bring you up to speed on my own piece of hell, I’m including a note I recently sent to God in reference to his frequent scheduled snow deliveries.

According to the website LoathsomeLawyers.com, on occasion you handle pro bono cases against God, who continues to smite my lawn with snow and ice despite my objections. To date, he has not responded to the note I sent or countless emails before that.

Perhaps, he is distracted by the logistics of the hostile takeover attempt, or is vacationing in another century, or has given up on the human race all together. We are a pain in the ass most of the time and often can’t find the time to pray.  But, Satan, be assured to know that we can always find the time for you.

Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated. If you’d prefer some type of barter arrangement in exchange for your services, I wouldn’t mind enduring hotter summers or garbage pick-ups twice a month instead of weekly. Lately, we haven’t had any garbage pick-ups at all. Just deliveries of God’s wrath of white trash from the sky.

If you’re not too busy planning any world disasters in the near future, I would love to have a face-to-face with you, just as long as I get to keep my soul.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon and having this matter resolved.  

Best wishes,

Lauren : )

bcc: God

PS – I swear a lot and love to watch R-rated horror movies about you and your jolly band of demons.

A big thank you to Sandee at Comedy Plus, a blogger with a warm heart and geographical location, for suggesting the idea for this post. Comedy Plus is a great place to stop by everyday for a hearty laugh. I think Sandee is the only person in the country not suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).