A SHERLOCK HOLMES MYSTERY YOU WON’T SEE ON TV
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INT. KITCHEN
A bloodied corpse lies beneath the kitchen table. Holmes and Watson examine it for clues.
WATSON
Holmes, I dare say the Economy has been shot, strangled and stabbed —
HOLMES
And poisoned, Watson. You missed the syrup residue on his lips. This pour soul died from a blueberry waffle.
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Holmes glances at the table.
Now that’s strange. The blueberry waffle was on the plate a minute ago.
WATSON
Officer Klepto bagged it, sir.
Holmes and Watson whirl around at the sound of a thud.
Klepto is sprawled out across the floor, drool leaking from the corners of his mouth.
WATSON
Someone call for an ambulance.
HOLMES
For a hearse, dear Watson. I’m afraid Officer Klepto is kaput. The blueberry waffle was laced with rat poison. Poor Klepto couldn’t wait until Grunt returned with the donuts.
WATSON
You don’t have to be so harsh on the lad.
HOLMES
Harsh?
WATSON
The lad works hard and deserves respect. At least, call him by his name.
HOLMES
Lyndon Van Grunt III is rather tedious to say.
WATSON
Indeed, Holmes. Grunt is easier on the vocal chords.
HOLMES
Where are the two suspects?
WATSON
In the parlor, sir.
HOLMES
Time for a word with them.
INT. PARLOR
Holmes and Watson enter the parlor and walk up to the Banker and CEO. Holmes shakes each of their hands and then wipes his own with a handkerchief.
HOLMES
Sticky fingers. Just as I suspected. Despicable. Just despicable. And you call yourselves men. Bah! You’re nothing but rats in suits!!!
Indistinct muttering from Banker and CEO.
HOLMES
Say what?
More indistinct muttering.
HOLMES
Book them!
WATSON
How so, Holmes?
HOLMES
They’ve got sticky fingers, Watson . . . from the maple syrup used to poison the waffles that killed the Economy.
But killing him wasn’t enough. The CEO shot Economy, after strangling him with a golden parachute, and then stabbed him with a $900 pen.
But Economy’s number wasn’t up until Banker gave him the plate of waffles that he stole from Aunt Jemima.
They’re perp walked out the room.
HOLMES
Now they’ll be making maple syrup from a vault in the Cayman Islands. We can only hope they try to escape from the plane in their golden parachutes. The vault’s already overrun with rats in expensive suits.
THE END
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Such a clever, creative mind, Lauren. It amazes me what you come up with.
Thanks June!!!
I will think twice the next time I meet a blueberry waffle.
My condolences to the economy. I have no sympathy for the perps.
Not all blueberry waffles will immediately kill you. Though, in 20 years they might.
I think there’s going to be a wake at the Capitol if all the Congressmen are awake.
It’s just only on creative mind…….
So we can tell all those Republicans who’re blaming Obama for killing the economy that it was really CEO and Banker. This post may be used as evidence during the upcoming elections. ; )
Yes, CEO and Banker are the problem. However, since the Tea Party came to town, the Republicans have blocked any jobs legislation that Obama has tried to pass.
Evidence? I hope not. : )
Loved this! Our current global financial situation scares me…a lot!
Thank you. Scares the hell out of me, too. That’s why I make fun of it.
Very clever – following
Thanks so much.
Do gooders masquerading as business people killed the economy. In fact – I can point to who killed it and how.
Bill Clinton with the Community reinvestment act based on a flawed bank of boston study that said blacks were rejected for loans more than whites. What the report didn’t say was they were rejected because they were bad credit risks, and the same standards were applied to all.
The game was on, the regulators ENFORCED bad lending practices and that was all she wrote….
Watch the documentary “Inside Job.” It was Reagan, Bush 1, Clinton, Bush 2, and now Obama. They recycle the same financial people, Bernanke, etc. to fill posts in their administrations.
The government is broken. There are 3,000 financial lobbyists in Washington – 5 lobbyists to every 1 Congressman. The financial institutions are running our government and writing the legislation.
The sub prime loans were only one fraction of the financial catastrophe, which includes credit default swaps, CODs, dismantling of the Glass–Steagall Act, enormous Wall Street bonuses and CEO pay, etc.
I think we’re just terminally screwed now. Cannot see how this can be turned around. Thank God I’m not a young person in these times.
You’ve ruined blueberry waffles for me for all time.
Sorry ’bout that. Maybe I should have gone with Strawberry.
Just watched the documentary “Inside Job” about the 2008 financial crisis. A must see film.
I’ve been wanting to see that. Thanks for the reminder.
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