SPOCK
Captain we’ve entered the Limbaugh galaxy on a course bearing 666 at 275° toward the planet Dittohead.
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CAPTAIN
Ah, the overpopulated planet inhabited by pimps and sluts.
SPOCK
Yes, Captain. Back in the year 2012, King Rush, the supreme leader of Dittoheads, proclaimed contraception evil and banned its use throughout the kingdom. Women were forced to get birth control on the black market.
King Rush dispatched DEA officers to crack down on the illegal use of contraceptives, forced single women to wear ankle monitors, and tracked their movements by GPS.
Any woman suspected of slut activity was immediately apprehended and thrown into the dungeon in the right-wing of the kingdom.
Many of these women went mad from a life of abstinence; others joined King Rush’s harem and provided him with sexual favors, as well as Oxycontin.
Eventually, all the illegal contraband was confiscated and burned, which led to the population crisis plaguing the planet.
CAPTAIN
Maybe we should send down a search team to investigate.
SPOCK
I would recommend against it, Captain. Anyone who lands on planet Dittohead immediately becomes infected with the highly contagious Sectarian virus, which scientists believe is responsible for the maniacal ramblings and misogynist views of King Rush and the Dittoheads.
I have identified the source of the Sectarian fever to be an aggressive strain of the 21st century Pandemic swine flu and recommend we quarantine the Limbaugh galaxy and immediately set a course heading toward sector APBH.
CAPTAIN
APBH, Spock?
SPOCK
Any Place But Here.
CAPTAIN
Captain’s log, stardate 42254.7. We leave the Limbaugh galaxy without having explored the planet or interacting with the Puritanical misogynist life form.
I advise against the exploration of planet Dittohead, as we cannot risk infecting the universe with the highly infectious and incurable Sectarian virus.
Captain out.
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I’d like to move to another planet. I’m still working with Evil Twin to make contact with the aliens and beg them to take me away.
LOL! Any progress on contacting the aliens? I think I spend half my days on another planet.
I keep waiting for the spaceship but I think our gas prices are scaring them away.
Brilliant Captain’s Log! (-:
Missed you!
oxoxooM
LOL! But, they might use Kibble & Bits for fuel or shredded documents from Bush II.
Thank you. Hey, it’s great to see you. Missed you, too. How are you? I’m working five day weeks for the next three weeks.
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Word is out in the Universe. Those people are crazy. Don’t even stop there for gas.
Bawahaha. I’ve never Bwahed before. I think stopping by planet Dittohead would give you gas. He’s a gasbag, you know.
Lauren, I LOVE this!! I want to name the lines and phrases that tickled me, but they’re through the entire piece. You’re so damned clever….
Thanks June!!!!
And thanks for the tweet!!! I’m so proud of myself. I wrote the post, tweaked it and then published it without stressing over every word. Got it out ASAP! Sick of !!!!!!!! yet?
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You, Lauren, are a genius. Not a semi-genius. A real genius. I bow to you!
I’m just in my natural element – space, the final frontier on my wall. Thank you.
This unbelievably clever post gave me a tremendous rush,…of joy that is! I honestly don’t get why contraception is the focus of this election…or is it this erection? Perhaps I just answered my own question?
LOL! I think it’s becoming a Viagra erection.
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