CNN, the Crap News Network
Hi, this is Blitz Geezer in Boston along with John Bland, Lance Fancy Pants and Tapioca Pudding.
ALL THE NEWS BOBBLEHEADS NOD INDEFINITELY.
BLITZ GEEZER
Since we don’t have anything new to report, we’ll talk incessantly about nothing, Tapioca.
LANCE FANCY PANTS
No thank you. I just ate.
TAPIOCA PUDDING
I think Blitz is talking to me. Well, Blitz, my source tells me that shortly before the bombing, Lance bought a pair of Dockers at the Saks Fifth Avenue that had provided authorities with key surveillance video of the bombing suspects. Lance reportedly sat down, got a salesman’s attention by waving his arms and then tried on several pairs of shoes before buying the Dockers with a credit card.
BLITZ
Can we get a shot of Lance’s shoes?
CAMERA CUTS TO LANCE’S SHOES.
BLITZ
Nice!
ALL THE NEWS BOBBLEHEADS NOD INDEFINITELY.
BLITZ
With all the walking we did around Boston, we all need a new pair of shoes. TOUCHES EARPIECE. One moment. We have breaking news…on Twitter. Swat teams have surrounded Suspect #2.
JOHN BLAND
You’re kidding. I thought Suspect #2 was in custody.
BLITZ
Apparently, a homeowner called authorities after seeing blood on his boat in his backyard.
JOHN BLAND
Who keeps a boat in a backyard the size of my bathroom?
BLITZ
Wait…more breaking news on Twitter. A police chopper, hovering above the yard, has infrared images of the suspect hiding inside the boat.
JOHN BLAND
Are you sure the suspect’s not in custody. My source told me hours ago there was an arrest.
BLITZ
Lance, what can you tell us. What are you seeing on the ground?
LANCE
A hot, steaming pile of dog shit. Apparently, a neighbor who walked his dog after the lock-down was lifted, didn’t bag the poop. I almost stepped in it with my new Dockers that I bought at the Saks that provided key video evidence to police.
BLITZ
Lance, are you hearing anything from your location?
LANCE
Let me check Twitter. HE CHECKS SMARTPHONE. Yes, Blitz. I’m hearing an exchange of gun fire and several explosions.
BLITZ
How ’bout you Tapioca?
TAPIOCA
On Facebook, their reporting that hostage negotiations are taking place.
LANCE
I’m listening to a live police radio broadcast from a link I got on Twitter…They just apprehended the suspect…and I’ve got a blister on my big toe from my new shoes.
TAPIOCA
Twitter reports that people are celebrating in the streets, and I just found a great Sushi place on Google Maps.
BLITZ
Now that Suspect #2 is in custody, we can replay hours of nonstop speculative yammering by reporters that preceded the arrest.
JOHN BLAND
Blitz, my source tells me that an arrest has been made…
I’m participating in Silly Sunday, hosted by Sandy of ComedyPlus.
LOL! This is too funny! it is another reason why I won’t bother with CNN anymore!
CNN coverage was absolutely horrible. The other channels weren’t far behind. Hours of speculative nonsense. I watched TV news while on Twitter.
Bwahahahahahahahaha, oh wait, why am I laughing? Well this is pretty accurate.
Have a fabulous Silly Sunday. 🙂
Sadly, this is what news has become – people in stylish outfits speculating about the facts.
Oh my. It WAS that bad, wasn’t it?
I avoided the television when I could.
It WAS that bad. And the televised stench continues…
But what we all want to know is: did Lance’s shoes make it out of this okay? I saw on Twitter that they were, at one time, suspects in the bombing. And everyone on Reddit upvoted the shoes’ We Are Bombing Suspects: AMA post but then suddenly all the chatter stopped and I never found out what happened to them!
hahahaha! The shoes were seen leaving a pub on Boylston Street last night around 2 a.m. An eyewitness told authorities, “…the shoes were weaving back and forth along the sidewalk and then crashed into a trash can.” Shortly afterward, the shoes were apprehended and then questioned by Dr. Scholl’s in the psychiatric unit of the hospital.
This is hysterical!! They always have CNN on in my gym. I feel your pain.
Thank you! CNN has jumped the shark I forget what stupidity they were discussing yesterday. I meant too write it down, but damn it. I forgot.
I swear half the time they MAKE UP the News.
Ain’t that the truth. The commercials are more fact based.
What a funny post, Lauren. You have summed the news nicely. Can’t stop myself from smiling when I read your posts 🙂 You remain a firm favorite of mine…Have a nice day!
Thank you, Kasa.
I really appreciate that and am so thankful to have a you as a regular reader.
Have a great day and weekend!
You nailed it! When the second suspect was being cornered in the boat I was on Twitter with the TV going in the background and the Twitter guy was about 15 minutes ahead of of the TV people in what was going on.
Thanks.
I know! I was watching TV while monitoring Twitter. The TV coverage was just awful. I watched the Daily Show and they ran a clip of a CNN correspondent in Boston during the siege, saying, “It’s so quiet…as if a bomb dropped.”
I saw that comment on DS, too. You truly can’t make this shit up.