Scientists using the focally challenged as lab rats.
The Internet is more addictive than crack because it’s as pervasive as air.
Earlier today, the Fantasy News Network (FNN) uncovered a massive secret program in which ADHD individuals are unwittingly being used as test subjects in one of the most ambitious experiments in human history, in cooperation with Google,
Bing and social media sites. An unnamed and unverified source reportedly told FNN’s John Jester that in 1970, the military and Al Gore secretly co-founded The Shiny Object Project, a.k.a. the Internet ADHD Experiment, to monitor the behavior of ADHD individuals while surfing the Internet, to determine how it affects their brains.
Funded by the military and private investors, The Shiny Object Project (SOP) has been secretly studying ADHD test subjects through their search criteria, i.e., Googling old flames and searching for dirt on obnoxious co-workers, in addition to monitoring how many hours a day a test subject spends on Facebook playing Farmland and posting adorable pictures of their pets. Several years after launching The Shiny Object Project, the SOP brain trust became frustrated with the limitations of desktop computers and in 1972, expanded the program to include “The Simon,” the first Smartphone developed by IBM.
The Internet was now accessible to ADHD test subjects 24/7, on their nightstands and bathroom sinks, in their pockets and handbags, literally at their fingertips. Literally, and I mean literally. By monitoring Smartphone devices, SOP scientists were able to study:
- How often an ADHDer has to call their Smartphone every time her or she misplaces it.
- Their physiological response whenever a Smartphone buzzes, beeps or plays Beethoven’s Fifth, and its affect on heart rate and sweat gland activity.
- The number of hours of Internet usage required before the brain evaporates into a gaseous cloud, a theory based upon the elusive brain-melt, time-continuum.
Like the military’s secret experiments in the fifties in which they provided LSD to criminals and mental patients, The Shiny Object Project endangered ADHD test subjects by exposing them to harmful Wi-Fi nanobytes and HTML carcinogens via their Internet providers, ensuring their brains would be more susceptible to cyberspace stimuli than non ADHD individuals.
By doing so, the SOP was able to ascertain how many Internet carcinogens a test subject had to absorb before they could gain control of the brain and/or damage it.
My brain was damaged years ago by Captain Kangaroo, Soupy Sales and Leave It to Beaver – a plastic couch-cover philosophy that embraced “the nothing bad happens in suburbia” paradigm.
That every outcome is positive, every ending, happy. It was only years later that I discovered that a happy ending meant something completely different.
Of all the Internet ADHD experiments, the most notable involved YouTube and how a test subject’s brain reacts to videos of people doing extraordinarily stupid things in their desire to be publicly ridiculed.
Highly successful, the YouTube test results provided SOP scientists with invaluable information involving the brain-melt, time-continuum, and because of it, was able to determine that the ADHD brain deteriorates more rapidly while a test subject watches a YouTube video.
The experiment continues…
How has the Internet affected your brain?
How has the Internet affected by brain? I totally believed this post. That’s how. Pray for me…
Seriously, this is freakin’ genius, Lauren. You should submit it to the Onion.
hahahhaha! Thank you. I wish I could submit it to the Onion. They don’t accept unsolicited material.
The Internet owns me. Sigh. Isn’t their a pill for that?
The Internet owns all of us. I think the pill is called Valium. You’re too relaxed to lift a finger and type.
I’m addicted to the internet but I cured myself of the smartphone addiction. I’m no longer waiting for beeps and notifications anymore. I was losing touch with reality.
I’m glad you cured yourself of your smartphone addiction. It really can screw with your heard. I try to keep my smartphone far away from me when I’m home. I’m still working on eliminating my Internet habit. As you can see, I’m not having much luck.
Ha! I totally believed this post until I read the above comments! I really need more coffee!
Uh, oh. Maybe I need to clarify that this is totally fake. Maybe I need more coffee!
I’m not addicted. I can quit any time. I just *choose* not to.
The first step toward sobriety is acceptance. Clearly that is not the case here.
Put me on your stupid list. I too thought this was real until reading all the other comments first. Slap me.
I don’t have an addiction to the internet but I feel naked when I leave my mobile at home by accident. I feel an urge to run and jump over things when my mobile rings. I get an overwhelming desire to check any emails or texts as soon as I hear the music start to play. I actually don’t have a problem if I just switch my mobile off when it’s with me but as soon as I switch it on things happen.
No stupid lists here. If I had one, I’d be at the top of the list. : )
I find that turning off the phone is the best way to avoid temptation. I also stopped using Google email alerts on my desktop.
I started reading.. mind paused, “oh” it said, “coffee required to proceed, this is heavy stuff.” Sipped my cup of joe, and then resumed reading. Mind not quite awake says, “more please… I think this isn’t real… she’s pulling your legs…” Sssh, I replied. I got to the SOP part and my eye brown surly lifted a tad.. Mind interjected…”Brenda, how often DO you call your phone…oh yes, don’t forget to call the dentist…SOP! Really?!” Good one, Lauren.
Hahahhahaha! Don’t forget to call the dentist!
Thank you! I highly recommend heavy doses of caffeine.
This is absolutely hilarious! (and probably true).
Thanks Debbie.
It could be true. Thank you for stopping by and commenting.
Wonderful, as always!
I have been off the internet a lot this winter… too much to do! I’ve been OK with it… missing blog posts of wonderful people like you… but I try to catch up when I can. In summer I’ll be back to being more regular with my laptop. But I guess this is a good balance… real life with wonderful moments of experiencing wonderful writing from others!
Thank you so much, Katherine. It’s great to see you. I’ve haven’t been around that much since I’ve been working on my writing. This post took me over a week to write.
I have over comed from smartphone addiction I keep it away from me at home. I am very much addicted to internet though and trying to overcome that also.
website design
Me, too. I’m desperately trying to break the Internet habit but having little success.
Love it Lauren, especially the quote with Captain Kangaroo – which is worse – Believing in all things end happy or watching silly You Tube videos? I’m a bit addicted to my smartphone – I try to go a few hours without looking at it at times. But it sure helps when I’m bored in a long line at store.
Thanks Lisa. Yeah, my smartphone was my go to device today while at the writer’s conference. I admit to being an addict, too. Sometimes mindless stuff helps clear the head of cobwebs.
I am painfully addicted to the Internet.
Also, I agree with Jayne – you should definitely submit this to The Onion!
Thanks Meleah.
Unfortunately, The Onion doesn’t accept unsolicited submissions. I should send it to Funny Times.
Nice job! How has the Internet affected my brain? It has left only one very small lobe that even recognizes there’s a world outside, and that one is fading fast…
Hi Perry,
Thank you. I know about that one very small lobe. : ) It’s like a shrinking hole to another dimension that you have to get through before it shuts.
Thanks for swinging by.
Hello there Lauren. Just thought I’d drop you a comment on this post (seemed as good as any) to say that I’ve read some of your posts and I’m enjoying the blog! Expect to see me around in the comments! 😉
Hi Shaun.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I’m so glad you’re enjoying my blog. Your comment made my day. It’s such an incredible thrill to hear feedback like that. I really appreciate it and look forward to seeing you again and reading your comments.
There have been many studies that show that Mother’s of children with Special Needs, have the same type of stress levels as a soldier in combat… Now, for me personally, I think I could never be compared to our soldier’s who are in harm’s way, every day.