Higher education depends on a higher tolerance to alcohol. ~Betsy DeVos

By Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia Commons

In Betsy DeVos’s first action as Secretary of Education, she called for an expansion of Michelle Obama’s healthy school lunch program, introducing her plan to replace sodas with vodka in school cafeteria vending machines.

A spokesperson for Stolichnaya confirmed reports of airplane-sized bottles being flow into schools across the U.S. “They can mix it with tomato juice,” said Anton Borscht. “Very healthy for the little ones.”

Betsy DeVos agreed. “Rather than serve our children soda that’s high in fructose, we can start them on a smarter healthier path to adulthood.”

When pressed about the possibilities of students falling off their chairs drunk during class and an increase in DWIs, DeVos explained. “The bottles are so tiny a child would have to consume 10 in order to fail a Breathalyzer test. An expansion of the Patriot Act’s school surveillance program will nip that problem in the bud.”

Still, child sober advocates issued a statement condemning the DeVos Vodka Soda Swap Initiative.

Secretary DeVos is sending the wrong message to parents and children nationwide. The unprecedented consumption of vodka by elementary school-age students would produce a generation of future alcoholics and undermine the public education system.

DeVos disagreed.

We know about the harmful effects of soda as a primary cause of childhood obesity. Vodka would produce a calmer, healthier generation of kids by eliminating anxiety caused by the pressures of a competitive educational system which often leads to binge eating.

The Vodka Soda Swap Initiative would save millions of taxpayer dollars. President Trump’s deep-seated relationships with Russian Oligarchs would enable him to negotiate ‘amazing deals’ that would drive the price down on imported vodka and ultimately be far less expensive than soda.

An increase in local police budgets as promised by the President would provide additional boots on the ground in public schools to prevent the abuse of alcohol by students and stop them from leaving the school grounds while intoxicated.

DeVos believes that rebuilding the nation’s public school system can start by ‘making smart choices that save public dollars and get kids drinking healthy again.’

“I had my first vodka and tomato juice when I was in junior high,” DeVos recalled. “It was one of those aha moments when you realize ‘this will change my life for the better.'”

Her family refused to comment on reports that after consuming her first alcoholic drink, DeVos walked into a wall and broke her nose. Though in a rare moment of candor, DeVos admitted, “I didn’t’ feel a thing.”

As far as other plans to improve the public school system, DeVos hinted at major initiatives in the future.

We’re considering eliminating the gym and installing virtual athletic video rooms. We can then scale back on hiring teachers and shrink the bloated education budget. I know how to save public ed money. I did it in Michigan as the Republican Party chairwoman. I destroyed the public school system and education in general by funneling public school funds to sketchy charter schools that provided subpar education to our kids.

Kids today are lazy and need to be more proactive in their learning. The Internet has many wonderful free educational videos on YouTube. We should take advantage of these free supplemental aids and incorporate them into the education system. This way children can be more involved in their educational road maps and design their own individualized program that best suits their needs.

My Vodka Soda Swap Initiative will get kids on the right track by making them more confident and open to trying new things.

DeVos declined to comment on the health problems related to alcohol addiction and the impact it would have on the health system in the future.

“Healthcare is a quagmire for Congress to figure out,” she said, and then walked into a wall.