The Baffletown County Sheriff’s Department takes Obama’s beer sit down seriously. Ben When, a reporter from the Flummox Daily News, sat down with Sheriff Dipschitz and asked him about his Beer with a Queer Program.
DIPSCHITZ
Yessur, I like what the President’s doing even though I don’t believe he’s really the President. He was born in Canada, you know, in Labrador. I had me a black Labrador retriever once. They’re good dogs.
WHEN
Can you tell me a how this program got started?
DIPSCHITZ
It’s like this. You see, we don’t have enough musical thee-aters down here. Lately, Mrs. Dipschitz, God love her, has been nagging me to death about going out to a show. So, I said to myself, Dexter, we need to get ourselves some queers down here and get musical thee-ater going again. Since most queers in the state hide in closets, I thought, that ain’t healthy being stuck in a closet with mothballs and the poufy clothes they wear. So, after I heard the nig—uh, er, President speak about making peace between that nig—uh, er professor and the police officer, I got me an idea. Get the queers out of the closet and bring back musical thee-ater to Baffletown. That way I get the bit—uh er, Mrs. Dipschitz off my back.
WHEN
How does the program work?
DIPSCHITZ
First, we had to promise them queers. I mean gays. You know they ain’t called queers any more. I had to promise them they wouldn’t get beat up or her-assed. Had to sign a contract with them. They might be light in the step, but they’re tough son-of-a-bitches at the negotiating table. The program works like this: every night one of my deputies sits down with a qu—uh, er gay at one of them local biker bars to share a beer and talk about. Hell, I don’t know what they’ll talk about.
WHEN
Do you think a biker bar is the best place for a sit down?
DIPSCHITZ
Hell, it’s the only place for a sit down. All we got is biker bars in Baffletown.
WHEN
How are you handling all the resignations?
DIPSCHITZ
Yeah, that’s a sticky point. After I announced the program, all my deputies quit. So, in addition to looking for qu—uh, er gays, we’re looking to hire six deputies.
WHEN
What are the requirements for a deputy position?
DIPSCHITZ
They’ve got to pass a physical and take a test.
WHEN
What kind of test?
DIPSCHITZ
It has questions like: What was the first movie Barbara Streisand starred in? If they know the answer, they lose a point.
WHEN
Doesn’t a question like that exclude gays from joining the Sheriff’s Department?
DIPSCHITZ
Yep. That is true. But I can’t have no qu—gays in the department.
WHEN
Why is that?
DIPSCHITZ
My Beer with a Queer Program wouldn’t work. It has to be gay on straight, not queer on queer. What kind of program would that be?