1-800 Voice Prompts and Dunderheads.

posted in Humor on by
swearing in cartoonImage via Wikipedia

No more sludge talk for a while but that doesn’t include bad language. 

Bad language is artistic expression in its purest form.

Like, shit! I think my clothes might shrink. 

Really. My clothes might be in danger of shrinkage. Not that kind of shrinkage.

I stuffed them into the dryer and left the room, despite the vaguely worded instruction label, “when needed, tumble dry low.”  

Troubling words, “when needed.” WTF does it mean? I need clarification.

A transcript of a fictional 1-800 call.

Me
Dialing fake  1-800 #.


1-800#
Press 1 if you like beef jerky.

Press 2 if you’re easily distracted.

Press 3 if you’re dyslexic.

You pressed 2! 

Please hold while the same tedious voice prompt plays over and over again until a nitwit answers your call.


Twenty-minutes later after drinking heavily.


Me
Hello 800#. Hiccup

1-800#
Hi back at you.

Me
The drying instructions are rather fuzzy.
1-800#
Always turn sweaters inside out.

Me
No. No. No. The label instructions are fuzzy. 

1-800#
Blurry?

Me
No, fuzzy, as in unclear, ambiguous, perplexing, obscure. The instructions are confusing!

1-800#
How so?

Me
The wording can be interpreted in several different ways.
1-800#
An instruction label is like a well-written novel, providing just enough information without giving everything away.
Me
Labels should be concrete.

1-800#
If labels were concrete, they’d bust your dryer and give you a hernia.

Me
No. Concrete as in clear, not stonelike material.

1-800#
That’s a relief. But the label clearly states, “when needed, tumble dry low.” What’s confusing about that?

Me
“When needed.”

1-800#
Usually after the clothes have been washed. I can’t imagine drying them before that. They could melt.

Me
No. The words, “when needed.”

1-800#
Clear as a bell, unless it’s a cowbell, which sounds more like a rock in a tin can. 
Me 
What does that have to do with anything?
1-800#
You brought it up.
Me
Let’s stop talking about words and start talking about labels.
1-800#
Well, there are Red Necks, Yuppies, Tree-Huggers, Pinko Commies, Liberal Fascists, Right-Wing Nuts, Empty-Headers . . .
Me
Not those kind of labels – Laundry labels. The tiny rectangular pieces of cloth that list the laundry instructions. Specifically, your label, “when needed, tumble dry low.” It’s not clear.

1-800#
Blurry? We’ve been over this.

Me
No. No. “When needed. When needed.” What does it mean?
1-800#
I’m not authorized to give out that information. Would you like to speak to my supervisor?

Me
Yes.
Supervisor
Miss Junior 800# tells me you’re having a problem with the instructions on the label.
Me
Yes, the drying instructions are rather fuzzy.
Supervisor
Always turn sweaters inside out.
Me
Head explodes, splattering brain matter onto clothing.

Got any 1-800# horror stories?
 
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11 Comments → 1-800 Voice Prompts and Dunderheads.

  2. ReformingGeek

    That's hilarious!

    Now your clothing will have to laundered to get rid of the brain matter.

    I called the cable company to report that our Internet service was down. They tried to sell me Internet Phone and TV.

    Yeah, so when the service is down, I can't easily phone you or watch TV. I THINK NOT!

    Reply ↓
  3. Tracie

    LOL! No horror stories but my clothes seem to be shrinking too. Must be something wrong with my dryer. Ahem.

    Reply ↓
  4. Jana

    You are right…I have this kinf of conversations all the time …sooo what does that say about me? Hilarious post!

    Reply ↓
  5. Lauren

    Ha! Thanks Mrs. B.

    RF: Brain matter stains are the most difficult to remove. Just ask Evil Twin.

    My neighborhood just went through months of problems with Comcast. Someone contacted the PR person and through her got to the head of the plant. Crews descended upon the area and repaired the node. Since then (knock wood), the problems seem to have disappeared.

    Tracie: Those dryers are evil. I spelled dryer wrong. Crap. Have to fix it.

    Thanks Jana: When I start telling myself to shut up, I start to worry.

    Reply ↓
  7. Lauren

    Thanks Mr. S. I wonder if you can make phony phone calls to 1-800's. The ones that are really a pain in the ass.

    Reply ↓
  8. ManOverBoard.com

    OMG that was too funny. And SO TRUE. I was working on a new POS system today and the instructions were non existent, except for a freaking PDF which are worthless if you're on the stupid computer using the program. It seems no longer are manuals given, everything is PDF's now, so they save money and you print out the manual after three ink cartridges.

    You are one funny son of a B 🙂

    Reply ↓
  9. Lauren

    Thank you, Glenn. You can say bitch. I won't be mad. : ) Even college catalogs are in PDF format. It's just not the same thing. I like to get book print on my fingers.

    Reply ↓
  10. Pat

    I printed out a whole conversation with AOL that went around in circles, solving nothing. And then they sent me an email asking if I was satisfied with the help. Help? What help? And you CANNOT get a human being on the phone. Harumph.

    Reply ↓
  11. Lauren

    Got to love that, Pat. I hope you told them where they could stick their customer service. Actually, that's probably where their cubicles are.

    Reply ↓

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