Image by onlinewoman via Flickr
There I said it, the “N” word. Nagger! Nagger! Nagger!
Too many naggers in my life. Take my car, please.
CARL CAR
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Your seatbelt is off. Your seatbelt is off. Put on your damn seat belt.
ME
Shut up already. I got it!
CARL CAR
You don’t have to be a bitch about it. I was just trying to help.
ME
Just do what you’re supposed to do and zoom, zoom, zoom. You stupid airbag.
CARL CAR
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Breaking news! Breaking news! You forgot to remove the brake. You forgot to remove the brake.
ME
Jesus! Get a grip! Who gave you the power of speech anyway?
CARL CAR
Some guy with an engineering degree. I call him God.
ME
I call him *$#%!!
CARL CAR
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Your door is open. Your door is open.
ME
What a drama queen. So there isn’t a tight seal. It’s practically closed.
CAR
Just slam it! Then do the same with the door.
ME
You’re a real comedienne. I think I’ll drown out your nagging voice with the radio.
CARL CAR
Just keep your eye on the road.
ME
How can I with all the interruptions?
Since cars got the power of speech, they’re almost as obnoxious as the next generation of Hagstrom maps a.k.a. the GPS system.
GPS GLADYS
Make a right-turn in two-hundred feet.
ME
Got it!
GPS GLADYS
Make a right-turn in one-hundred feet.
ME
Is that before or after the 7/11?
GPS GLADYS
Get ready to make a right turn.
ME
Hand on blinker, foot eased up on gas pedal. I’m ready.
GPS GLADYS
Almost there!
ME
I’m ready when you are.
GPS GLADYS
Turn now!
ME
What? Wait! You said that after I passed the street.
GPS GLADYS
You missed it! You idiot. At the next street, take a U-turn. You’ll probably f**k that up, too.
Refrigerators are another point of contention.
FRED FRIDGE
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Red alert! Red Alert! The ice cream is melting. The ice cream is melting. Somebody call in Hazmat. Hey you, on the couch. Did you hear what I said? Get up off your fat ass and shut the damn refrigerator door.
Thwack!
ME
Thanks Fred.
FRED FRIDGE
I should have let the ice cream melt. You could stand to lose a few pounds.
And, yes, this was a bit of a social experiment. This country is too damn politically correct.
