Phantom jobs linger in the fourth dimension of employment history, also known as job purgatory. My first phantom job occurred at an ad agency and lasted as long as a pregnancy. During the final trimester, I spent my days practicing Lamaze breathing, while doing the doggy paddle in the deep end of the secretarial pool. After several near drownings… Continue reading
Author Archives → Lauren
But Wait, There’s More Backside of the Unemployment Front.
Image by mahalie via Flickr CLASSIFIED JOBS ON CRACK. Employer one-liners from the butt cheek files. Comfortable working with people is a must. You will also be responsible for running personal errands for employees and the owner. These errands can include car maintenance (fuel and wash cars)… No cry babies need apply. Must love Money,… Continue reading
The Refrigerator Chronicles: Shelf Wars
(previously posted and revised) The last time we peeked inside the refrigerator the light was off and a coup de food was underway. The cheese, yogurt, and luncheon meat on the third shelf were conspiring to take over the top shelf, where Moo Milk, OJ, and a silent Angus Beef enjoyed a prime piece… Continue reading
Charlie Sheen Drug Hailed a Medical Miracle.
Image via Wikipedia by M Foster Charlie Sheen Drug Coming Soon to a Pharmacy Near You. Scientists at Sober Valley Lodge combined Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood and Adonis DNA to create a drug that has been hailed by some former doctors living in Costa Rica as a breakthrough in the field of genetics. When asked about… Continue reading
10 Reasons Martha Stewart Won’t Visit Your Home.
Pictures of your home will never grace the pages of Martha Stewart Magazine. According to a spokesperson for the magazine, “In addition to being banned from their pages, the editor issued an APB on Pinterest “prohibiting you from posting pictures of your house.” The editor went on to blast “Your jihadist housekeeping ideology” and said, “You… Continue reading
I Got Snaked by a Plumber.
Image via Wikipedia A Real Story w/ Real People. Really! In a community far, far away, a streaming thought video broadcasts from my brain. INT. HEAD – MORNING A water pipe breaks. The drips are less than a second apart. Water leaks beneath the kitchen sink and seeps below to the garage. I call… Continue reading
Dog Steals Ham. It’s Virginia. Not the Dog.The Ham.
Last night Jenny stole a pound of deli ham from the counter. One second it was there, the next – poof, gulp slurp. She had scarfed it down, a groovy Scooby snack. For Jenny, food layovers are never out of bounds and certainly never out of reach. It’s hunting after the fact and more like… Continue reading
Waxing Poetic – A House Personified.
Jayne, the brains behind the always inspiring and entertaining injaynesworld, took the path that leads from Magpie Tales into a writer’s mind and produced a wonderful vignette from Magpie’s picture prompt. Today, I take the same path but with a different picture. A House Personified. A window gazes out onto slippery snow white, a coverlet… Continue reading
Why Power Owtages Hurt?
Image via Wikipedia Imagine Life without Heat, Hot Water or HBO. Last Sunday while watching a pharma commercial on depression, the TV suddenly went dark along with the rest of the house. Since it was morning, the dark was more of a dim white – not a dim wit. The dogs seemed rather nonplussed about the sudden… Continue reading
10.0 Hormonal Quake!
According to the Richter scale, a 10.0 quake (15.0 gigatons) has never been recorded by humans, at least until now. Image via Wikipedia This week, hormonal seismic activity is off the charts. Humans scare me. I only interact with creatures with four legs or more. Words I once used with ease like “hello.” Now get tangled… Continue reading