MONDAY’S UNEMPLOYMENT LUNCH SPECIAL: Waterlogged crescents with bloated blue cheese, horseradish flotsam, and sour cream pond scum. Try not to throw up until after you’ve finished pressing every voice mail option and screaming obscenities at the cyborg operator. I’m convinced that my Uncle Sam’s phone system was designed for the criminally insane or for flat-lined… Continue reading
CSI Kitchen: The Cook that Slaughtered the Sauce.
KITCHEN CARNAGE. My reputation for crimes against cooking precedes me, as I recently discovered that my name is on the FBI’s No Fry List. Whenever checking out at the supermarket, I’m dragged out of line, patted down, and then interrogated in the meat locker. The evidence of my atrocity is displayed in the above crime… Continue reading
Uncle Sam is My Sugar Daddy.
Image via Wikipedia The relative with deep pockets. For a year my very generous Uncle Sam, who is on my mother’s side, has been supporting me financially. He took pity upon the fact that I lost my job and have to sit home all day euthanizing resumes and cover letters that have been condemned to… Continue reading
While passengers barbecue on Labadee Beach, Haiti, the dead burn in Port-au-Prince.
Cruise ships still find a Haitian berth | World news | The Guardian You can travel to Haiti to help the relief effort by military cargo plane, coast guard, or cruise ship, although military and coast guard vessels don’t enjoy the same amenities as a Royal Caribbean Cruise luxury liner. Sixty miles from Haiti’s… Continue reading
NASA plumbing rates skyrocket, as urine clogs space station recycling system.
The million dollar clog. Astronaut urine clogs space station water recycler | News.com.au In the international space station, astronauts, as well as their back teeth, are floating due to a clog in the water recycling system. Since drilling a well in the space-time continuum wasn’t an option, NASA had no choice but to send urine… Continue reading
Unscripted Web Design and the 404 Sanity Drainer
Image by CyboRoZ via Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/filicudi/ / CC BY 2.0 Written by Ivy Guiler – UnscriptedLife.com I leaned back from my laptop, affectionately known as Lolita, and gave my newly finished website one final glance. The logo was perfect, the content was in place and the menus were in working order. I even had a… Continue reading
The film babbler – When watching a movie just isn’t good enough.
The sound of two lips flapping. http://www.flickr.com/photos/peteashton/ / CC BY-NC 2.0 I went to see the movie Leap Year this past Sunday night and was disappointed with the dialog in the movie and in the audience behind me. An older woman with a loud screechy voice that was a perfect complement to the actress’s grating… Continue reading
Snaking the Drain: The Sequel – That Sinking Feeling.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/chiotsrun/ / CC BY-NC 2.0 SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES.After arriving home at 1a.m. Saturday morning from a girl’s night out of champagne chugging at a friend’s house (we finished off 9 bottles among the seven of us), I discovered a lagoon in the kitchen sink. Yes, sci fi‘s most famous alien creature, “The Clog,”… Continue reading
Snaking the drain and other erotic half-truths.
If the sink were a heart, the drainpipe would be an artery, the faucet a skull, and the assisting drain surgeon a numbskull. http://www.flickr.com/photos/soulmate02/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 This began as a comment on Kys awesome blog aptly called Stir-Fry Awesomeness. I thought it was too good to remain as a comment and decided to… Continue reading
Women better at parallel parking baking dishes than cars
Women worse at parking than men, study shows – Telegraph The truth is I can’t cook or park. By using a completely absurd title, I will attempt to prove a point here that may take a bit of meandering. Please stick with me on this one and help humor me by reading… Continue reading