Dentist Dementia

It’s eight o’clock in the morning.The caffeine hasn’t kicked in yet.

“Bite down hard,” the dentist says, referring to the temporary crown he just stuck in my mouth.


“Only one more minute.”

A minute of silence, I hope, but no.

“I recently read a great book called …”


Why didn’t I take Jim’s advice and bring the iPod. He takes his isolation seriously in the chair. He also wears sunglasses. I should have listened to him. The sunglasses would have blocked the bits of glue and tooth that struck me in the eye like shrapnel.

The monologue continued.

“It’s historical fiction. I love historical fiction.”

I love peace and quiet.

“It takes place in the middle east.”

I hear it’s lovely this time of year in the PLO district.

“It’s a fascinating book about…”

I’m pretty sure a minute has passed though I did lose track of time when I nodded off, possibly from inhaling dental glue. I had a lovely dream about lying on a beach by the Sea of Galilee.

“Almost done.”

With the faux crown or your fucking story?

“Read the book in two days…”

I pray it doesn’t take him that long to talk about it. I have to go to work tomorrow. What if he plans to keep me here as a captive audience? What if I never leave the chair? I can’t even call 911 with my limited vocabulary.

911. What’s your emergency?


“I love all the James Michener books. Did you read…”

I had planned to until now.

“I just don’t know how much of the book is true.”

Dude, it’s historical fiction. It doesn’t have to be true.

He checks his watch. “I think it’s done.”

The tooth or monologue?

He sticks his hairy knuckles in my mouth to tinker with the temporary crown. It passes the wiggle test.

“You’re good to go.”

I bolt from the chair, jump into my car and back into a stone wall. Noooooo! I inspect the bumper that now sports a lovely stone dent etching. Can my day get any worse?

I arrive home and sit down at the computer to work on my book. An hour later, I sense an unidentified moving object in my mouth. I remove it.

“Nooooooo!” I stare at the temporary crown sitting in my hand when it should be sitting in my mouth.

I call the dentist. He’s out to lunch, literally and figuratively. I leave a message. Thirty minutes later, his assistant calls me back.

“Can you come over here now?”

So, I go over there now.

It’s two o’clock and I’m back in the chair, teeth clenched on my very temporary crown.

“I recently read a great book called…”

He starts telling me about the same damn book from the morning.


The dude’s got dentist dementia from sniffing too much dental redo glue.

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35 Comments Dentist Dementia


    Hi Lauren,

    So funny and Oh dear! I’m getting a crown replaced tomorrow morning. Dental Dementia is priceless terminology! I’m already terrified over what the morning will bring. The good news is that our dentist provides sunglasses and a movie. Perhaps earplugs would be a welcome addition?

    So nice to catch up at least with some of your posts. I’ve been so ridiculously busy and can’t seem to slow down. It has definitely impacted my blog mojo both the writing and the reading. I’m glad that you are keeping up with things. I’ll be in contact soon.

    Warm Regards,


    1. Lauren

      Welcome back!!! Great to see you.

      Good luck tomorrow! I hope your dentist is able to get the temporary crown done in one visit. My dentist totally messed up his first attempt. I think he’s giving himself the gas instead of his patients.


    Hi Lauren,

    I just left a comment which disappeared in a magical way. Maybe I have Dental Dementia? So funny!!! I of course am now doubly terrified for the morning since I’m going to get a crown replaced bright and early.

    You really make me laugh Lauren. Sorry that I’ve been MIA. I had an unexpectedly busy summer which hasn’t yet slowed. I will look forward to connecting up soon. Dental Dementia? Hahahhaaaa!

  3. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

    1. Lauren

      Returning to the dentist for a second visit didn’t “double my pleasure, double my fun.” I can’t believe he used the same monologue from the morning. He should have changed his repertoire or kept his mouth shut. Better yet, he should have gotten it right the first time.

      I’m just glad I didn’t swallow it.

  4. ReformingGeek

    Oh my, my. What a fun day you had! Ha! The last time I saw my dentist he started telling me all about how they breed cattle down at his ranch which segued into cloning of cows and genetic modifications to food. It went on and on and on. Wow.

    1. Lauren

      Once they’ve got you in the chair and disabled your power of speech, you’ve got no other choice but to listen to their monologue. I think there should to be a one minute limit per chair.

    1. Lauren

      Ain’t that the truth. The Guinness World Record for temporary crowns. Thankfully the rest of my week was uneventful. I just wish I didn’t have to go back again in another week or so. Maybe I should read a good book before my next appointment, so that I have something to grunt about.

  5. Pingback: Lisa

  6. Comedy Plus

    Yikes, he did something very wrong. I’ve had a few of them done and doing a do-over isn’t something anyone wants to do.

    Have a terrific day. 🙂

  7. Jayne

    LOL! Oh, my dear… You’re a riot. What a fun post. For me anyway. I can see why it wasn’t fun for you. And then to have to go back there?! Didn’t you have any Gorilla Glue in your house?

    1. Lauren

      Just Krazy glue. I probably would have Krazy glued my mouth shut. Don’t give my husband any ideas.

      Actually, I have a follow up post about accidentally getting Reach dental floss caught between a tooth and the temporary molar. The hygienist warned me not to lift when I flossed. So, I had to cut it with a pair of sewing scissors.

  8. My Pixie Blog

    OMG!!!! LMAO… you are a riot but I’m so terribly sorry to hear about your experience in the dentist’s chair. Stories like this are reason enough to keep pushing back my dentist appointments. I know, it’s probably the worst thing I can do. I just stress out about going so much.

    Thanks for the laugh, so needed this today 🙂

    Stopping by from S3P!

    1. Lauren

      Thanks for stopping by from S3P. I have my follow up appointment next Tuesday. I hope he doesn’t screw that up. I’m getting the “permanent” crown. We’ll see just how permanent it is. I just hope he changes his repertoire.

      Just wear headphones and sunglasses and you’ll be set.

    1. Lauren

      Trapped is exactly how I felt. He had me by the cuspids. : ) And I’m not done yet. Next Tuesday a.m., I’ll be back in the chair for some more dental torture.

  9. June O'Hara

    I had a dentist who was obsessed with the weather. As one year bled into another, it got old. “Warm today!” “Good weekend? Lots of sun!” “Looks like it’s getting cloudy out there.” It made me want to kill myself.

    1. Lauren

      Hi June,

      Unfortunately, they’ve got a captive audience.My dentist is obsessed with history, which is better than weather. I wonder if there’s ever been a study done on suicides in dentist chairs.


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