Jake is smiling because he’s been eating chopped meat and rice for the past several days. No gauche canned dog food for him. It all started when he heard a rumor at the dog watering hole. Barney the Boxer got Jake’s attention with a doggy rope toy and a “pssssst.” “Hey you, Jake. Come over here,”… Continue reading
Author Archives → Lauren
Ninny Poop Head!
Yesterday, at five o’clock, my brain melted after a two-hour phone conversation with a QuickBooks ProAdvisor. Gurgle! Sploosh! She hijacked my desktop, remotely, and then commandeered my mouse. Several windows opened and closed. The cursor sped across the screen, telekinetically, and then screeched to a stop at the taskbar. “Just press this!” the ProAdvisor ordered…. Continue reading
Parlez-vous French Toast?
Oui! Oui! Now, put zee caramelized apples on top of zee French toast and voilà! Ve have a breakfast treat that will send you waddling out the door or collapsing to the floor. Zee recommended French toast prep: First, add a slab of butter and copious amounts of syrup. Note: the butter should float… Continue reading
Wireless Connection Lost! Patience Not Found!
Recently, after jettisoning from my desktop into cyberspace, Firefox bypassed Google, rerouting me to Internet purgatory, and the message, “Server not found!” I responded with, “Goddamn it! You lost it again!” To which Firefox said, referring to itself in third person, “Firefox can’t find the server at www.google.com.” How could you without Google Maps? Ignoring… Continue reading
God is the Ultimate Rule Breaker
Day 29 Prompt: “Breaking the rules.” One more day left of 30 Days of Writing, hosted by Nicky and Mike at We Work for Cheese. Please stop by the We Work for Cheese Emporium to link up or read other inmate posts. We’re all crazy, you know. On the 29th day, God appeared to me… Continue reading
The Turning Point at the Giant Fork in the Road
Day 28 Prompt: “The Turning Point.” Two more days left of 30 Days of Writing, hosted by Nicky and Mike at We Work for Cheese. Please stop by the We Work for Cheese Emporium to link up or read other inmate posts. The Giant Fork in the Road “Ah, the turning point,” said Gladys GPS,… Continue reading
The Banker Intervention or Let’s Make a Deal
Day 26 of 30 Days of Writing – Today’s Writing Prompt is “An Intervention.” Please swing by We Work for Cheese to link up or read other posts by the criminally insane. A Dramatization INT. LIVING ROOM – EVENING Five members of the Banker family are seated around a lavishly decorated living room. Their… Continue reading
The Worst Xmas Ever: Fallout from a Plane Crash
For my husband, every Christmas is the worst Christmas ever. His father died on his way home for the holiday after a business trip to Chicago. I previously wrote about this horrendous midair accident on the 50th anniversary of the Park Slope crash. I thought it would be fitting to re-post it today, Day 25… Continue reading
Roast or Toast Another Blogger, Figuratively Speaking
On day 24, I’m forgoing the funny for a drizzle of sap. I’d like to thank Nicky and Mike @ We Work for Cheese for hosting the 30-day blogging challenge. I jumped in on day 17 and this morning, on day 24, I had a blogging epiphany. Blogging is nothing like writing and all about… Continue reading
Stiletto Heels or Insoles
I never wear stiletto heels because I’m a klutz. Going stiletto would trip me up and put me in the ICU. That’s why I wear safe, low-to-the-ground, sensible shoes. If I trip, the possibility of suffering a concussion diminishes by three inches. As a klutz, I’ve never been much of a shoe risk taker…. Continue reading