Image via Wikipedia Dear Satan, Is Satan correct or do you prefer Lucifer (very dashing), or The Antichrist (kind of formal) or Jezebel (a bit feminine but not as bad as Leslie)? If I pissed you off, feel free to shower my lawn with fire and brimstone. A brief explanation follows. Since the beginning of… Continue reading
Author Archives → Lauren
A Note to God from a Dissatisfied Customer.
Dear God, This is my last attempt to contact you after hundreds of emails I sent bounced back, “Mailbox full.” I have to say that lately, your customer service record has been less than sub par. Over the past month, it has become apparent that you’ve increased your precipitation deliveries from a monthly to a… Continue reading
P&G Swiffer Picks up Playboy Dust Bunny at Seedy Hollywood Bar.
A Sordid Affair. Earlier today, news of an alleged tryst between P&G Swiffer and a Playboy Dust Bunny shook the household cleaning category. Image via Wikipedia Right wing activist, Mr. Clean, broke the story following several eyewitness accounts alleging that P&G Swiffer and Dust Bunny were seen clinging to each other in the back of a Hollywood… Continue reading
Houdini Mutt and the Vanishing String.
When a mutt has a bum knee, it goes to a mutt orthopedist. Such was the case with my dog Jenny, who after undergoing knee surgery – yes, dogs have knees – is now in doggy rehab, which entails brisk walks on a lead while I snow plane behind. During rehab, Jenny wears a surgical… Continue reading
How Deep is Your Snow – To the Tune of How Deep is Your Love w/Barking Dogs.
While taking my poor convalescing mutt, Jenny, for a walk on the front lawn, I got heel dragged across the snow, despite the surgical collar she wore. Think Queen Elizabeth. See the resemblance? Jenny dragged me until I slipped, releasing the retractable lead that used my face to stop the backward slide. After stars stopped… Continue reading
Disappearing Jobs Linked to Magic Cape Missing from Homeland Security Rec Room.
Embracing the illusionary powers of magicians Harry Houdini, David Copperfield and Criss Angel, American companies increasingly use magic to make jobs disappear in the U.S. and then reappear overseas. Image via Wikipedia For several years, economists have blamed the precipitous loss of U.S. jobs on a black magician’s cape that went missing from a classified… Continue reading
It Takes a Comedian to Save a 9/11 Bill.
Jon Stewart Snakes Clogged Congressional Pipes in Passage of 9/11 Bill. After a Republican filibuster on Dec. 10, the 9/11 responders bill sank to the bottom of the Congressional crapper against a mammoth clog of bullshit left by Republicans who felt that the $7.4 billion price tag was too high. Yet, Republicans had no problem… Continue reading
Just A.D.D. and Me and the Circus in My Head.
Image via Wikipedia ADD means different things to different people. To a mathematician, it means counting up. To a contractor, it means increasing square footage. To the tangentially inclined, like me, it means living with a circus in my head, deciding between watching the high wire act, the trapeze artist or heading to the concession… Continue reading
I Live in a Place Called Hope.
Image via Wikipedia A metaphysical place that is . . . as I reflect on the past year without cracking the satirical whip. Right now, in the east, it is bitter cold and snow covers the ground. Folks are losing their jobs and there is a huge gap between rich and poor. Despite my own… Continue reading
1960 Plane Crash Victims Families Exploited by Local Media.
Image by writRHET via Flickr Fallout from a Plane Crash. On December 16, 1960, United Flight 826 and TWA Flight 266 collided over Staten Island, New York. The United plane, while attempting an emergency landing at LaGuardia Airport, crashed into the Park Slope section of Brooklyn. From the Green-Wood Historical Fund: Ten brownstones near the… Continue reading