Write Something. Damn it! Who cares if it’s crap, literally?

A conversation with myself because no one else will listen.

Why don’t I feel like writing:

Arctic spring weather? 

Green goop in China?

Wrist Apnea?

Lame, lame and lame. 

Just strike the damn keys until something appears – Black-and-blue words, broken letters…

Cut the crap! You’re being lazy. No one gets anywhere by being lazy.

You’ve got to park your butt on the chair and exercise your fingers.

Just do it, if that is what you want to do. The hell with everything else. What about that Mt. Everest pile of laundry in the hall or the dust bunny colony in the basement?

Fuck ‘em. You can’t let repetitive chore motions strain your brain.

They’ll beat you up, steal your thoughts and turn you into a robot before you’ve finished polishing the silver. Who beat whom? God’s last disciple,

Self-fulfilling Prophesy. Look it up in the Book of Job. Read something longer than 300 words…I don’t think so.  

Flash fiction with long breaks in between is what I need for a jolt of inspiration, a creative defibrillator as it were.

I want to write but don’t know how to get there.

Booyah! I wish I knew yah but can’t find yah in the crap. I don’t know why I can’t write.

The answer is hard to find in a pile of guano, also known as crap brain.

How do you get rid of crap brain?

A Gastro-Neurologist? 

Crap Brain Specialist on Craigslist?

Sure, if you want to meet a creep that will snuff you out like a dying ember on a cigarette.

I don’t smoke.

It blackens your lungs like Cajun snapper. Food for thought. Something to digest on a rainy day that stretches into rainy days, etc.

This is spring after all. But seasonally speaking, this year we’re a month behind. Global warming you know. Something about trapped gases in the atmosphere that fucks with Mother Nature’s hormonal levels like PMS.

I don’t understand the concept of global warming, as most folks don’t. I’ll be dead before I get it, probably freeze to death in July.

Global warming sounds boring, doesn’t sound as sexy as tsunami. 

Perception is everything in the weather biz.

How do you explain to a nincompoop that every reaction has an opposite affect, as in Newton’s theory,Every Action has an Equal and Opposite Reaction?”

You push something. It pushes back.

You fuck with Mother Nature. She fucks with you back. That’s how Al Gore should have explained Global Warming to the masses, not with a PowerPoint presentation.

Too many numbers to absorb in one tiny brain, especially a brain like mine that has an aversion to math, which incidentally is a four-letter word.

A brain is like a sponge. Add too many thoughts and it can’t absorb all the information. Try the sponge experiment at home.

The sponge is your brain, the floating cesspool in the sink are your thoughts. Drop your brain, er, sponge in the sink and watch it soak up some of the sewage.

However, you’ll soon discover that many more sponge dips are needed to soak up all of the crap, unless you have hundreds of sponges.

The same is not true of the brain. You’ve only got one of those and many folks never get the opportunity to use it.

Just turn on Fox and Friends or CNN. The news has become what the film, “Network,” had satirized in the 70s.

And like the producers of “Network,” God and Mother Nature also enjoy a good laugh in their collaborative effort to mess with Plasticine TV meteorologists.

God and Mother Nature often exchange late night chuckles while roasting marshmallows in a burning tree during a forest fire, started by lightning, the Supreme BIC Lighter, a result of Bizarro world weather tormenting our dip-shit planet.

Maybe that’s the answer.—Dip it in shit. Done that. Been there. Won the t-shirt in a shit storm – the ultimate wet t-shirt contest.

27 Comments Write Something. Damn it! Who cares if it’s crap, literally?

  1. June O'Hara

    Creative defibrillator. . .love it. And yeah, freezing to death in July. The world has gone mad, and it’s all our own damn fault.

    Great post, Lauren.

  2. ReformingGeek

    Cough. Cough. Too much Cajun snapper here. I guess I’ll have to start giving it to the cat, along with the writing. My wrist apnea is acting up. Oh, and I caught my shoulder cursing my elbow that bent around to curse my wrist. Crap rolls downhill, you know.

  3. Phil

    Don’t you wish we could just sometimes switch brains with other people just to see what it’s like? Personally, I think some people might have dropped their brains in the crapper – hence why they are always spewing forth crazy crap! CNN – the Crappy New Network? Have a good weekend!


    1. Lauren

      Hope you had a great weekend. There is so much crazy crap spewed from the airwaves into our living rooms. Now I understand the concept of plastic covered furniture.

  4. Nicky

    “The same is not true of the brain. You’ve only got one of those and many folks never get the opportunity to use it. ”

    Truer words… you may feel like crap but you’re not full of shit, Lauren.

  5. lugas

    I arrived here. and reading sight see
    thus I conclude this is not just a first visit but the beginning I followed other writings useful. greetings successful

  6. Cynthia

    I feel like my brain has been packed up with my shipped to the United States only to be unpacked in six to eight weeks. Hope that is not the case.

    1. Lauren

      Well, I hope your brain at least travels first class. Mine usually travels with the pack in second class and gets stuck sitting in front of a five-year old kicking the back of its seat.

  7. Rum Punch Drunk

    I got absolutely nothing left in my brain to bargain with, I think it would float if you dropped it in sink with water 🙁
    Don’t we just love the weather so why complain? All you need to do is carry an umbrella, snow shoes, raincoat, overcoat, hat, gloves EVERY day as we never know how many seasons we will see. We’ve got it covered so Mother Nature can’t trick us.

    1. Lauren

      I think we should do an experiment to see if your brain sinks or floats. I’m pretty sure that’s the humidity talking. Damn you, Mother Nature.

  8. Lisa

    LOL Lauren, but so true. IF you stop writing, you may lose your talent. Just write and you can always edit later, right?

    1. Lauren

      Yes, thank God for the adult editor in my brain. Though, lately she’s been off the clock and the creative child hasn’t felt like writing.

    1. Lauren

      Thank you. Why does writing have to be so damn hard at times? Don’t you hate that ever so often our brain’s get entangled in the evil writing troll’s trap.

  9. Luke Armstrong

    Loved this post Lauren. Some very apt observations and good advice on the many levels of excuses that can get in the way of writing. . . and yeah, seriously, what’s up with this spring. .. AKA, the spring that never came….

    1. Lauren

      Thanks Luke.

      Yeah, this spring truly sucks. I can’t believe it’s June already. I wonder if summer is going to mirror the insolence of spring.

      How were your travels?

  10. Vijesh

    Hi Lauren,
    You wrote something God’s last disciple, Self-fulfilling Prophesy. Look it up in the Book of Jove. What is this book?

    I too did not understand the concept of global warming either. I know gases like CO2 which are called green house gases increase the temperature which freezes the snow caps and dang global warming. That freezing kind of stuff I saw it in “The day after tomorrow” movie. So how could warming freeze? warming means they should become hot but how come they freeze haha 🙂 Funny


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